On the Cusp

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!! It is almost 2009 and I feel like I'm on the cusp of change ... of something great.  What do I want for myself for 2009?  What am I grateful for from 2008?  Most of all, I am grateful for the health of my babies - my angels (picture attached).

Dolly still has residual health issues that we are exploring.  Two more appointments in March 2009 at the Sick Kids Hospital. One to test for 'albinism' - apparently her cones have no pigment.  And the second to determine the kind of nystgamus that she has exactly. However, since we have confirmed it is not in her brain, I find these other diagnoses less scary ... things we can manage ... and I am grateful for that.  I am also grateful for Mister - he seems to be developing into such a little man. I sometimes look at him and wonder where did he come from?? I think only another mom can appreciate this thought.  I'm always astounded by his personality. He is a real sweetheart - very caring, very smart and has a great sense of humor.  I am grateful that he is mine.  

I am also grateful for my hubby - who without him - none of this would be possible.   On the job front, I am happy to have one that is secure in this economic times.  I am one of the lucky ones (hubby's is not so secure and he is still hanging on despite all the cuts at his work).   I also recently was promoted (for a 6 month term) to my boss' job (while she goes on mat leave).  So I am grateful for this new adventure, which will begin in January.  

So what do I want for 2009?  More good health, good times and memories and happiness for all my family and friends. I continue to stay stable at my weight loss of 25 lbs. I would like to move off this plateau. I think to do so - I will really need to shake things up in my life.  I'm hoping Oprah's first week of shows will help me get in the mind-set to take care of myself.   Balancing work and family and myself is not always the easiest thing to do.  Sometimes I let myself go to the bottom of the pile.  I would like to take better care of myself so I can take care of my family better too.

Wishing everyone who reads this post a happy holiday and new year!  All the best for 2009!! 

Happy Birthday Dolly!!

Happy birthday my love ... my dolly. My life would not be the same without you. I cherish every day and thank heaven for your safe arrival.  May year number two be as equally filled with love and happiness.  Love, mom.

Normal, Completely Normal

Shooshhhh - that is me letting my breath out. Yes, I have been holding it for what seems like a really long time.  The MRI results showed that Dolly is normal, completely normal in the brain department.  As the neuro-surgeon said "she is not atypical".  Translation, normal.  Fantastic news just days before her first birthday.  

Today we see the pediatric opthamologist - whom we have been waiting one year to see.  This will tell us more about her eyes.  

My prayers have been answered. I'm hoping for all of you who read this that your prayers will be answered too.

The Waiting Game

I have been absent from the blog. I apologize.  Going back to work full-time has been exhausting for me.  I am grateful for all that I have - two wonderful kids, a husband and a full-time job - but it is a balancing act or should I say juggling act and the ball I keep dropping is 'me'.  No time for myself in all of this.  I reconnected with another WW meeting and new leader on lunch times and hoping that this will help re-motivate myself.  Planning is what is required.  Planning time for me including making healthy meals and squeezing in some activity/treadmill.

All is well on the Dolly front.  We had the MRI last Thursday.  I was completely terrified that the appointment would not happen.  Dolly could not be sick for at least 2 weeks in advance of the appointment.  She wasn't herself (I blame it on teething, perpetually) but she wasn't sick.  The appointment was for 7 AM at Sick Kids Hospital.  The nanny arrived at 5:30 (to watch Mister for the day).  We left the house at 6 and got there a bit early.  She wasn't as cranky as I expected since I fed her just before midnight (the cut off for food).   We walked her around the hospital looking at all the sights and sounds.  By the time we registered and had her in a gown, it was about 8 AM.  Side bar here - I wish they would have given me a list of what to bring - the one thing I forgot was socks!  Her tiny toes were cold. I had her in her sleeper jammies which had feet so no socks.  When I switched to the gown, I tried to keep her toes wrapped in a blankie.  Everything seemed to go okay with the exception of the IV. She was really mad!  Shortly after, the nurse administered a calming drug which made her go from screaming to giggling.  The drug also has an amnesia effect so she wouldn't remember anything. An hour and half later she was in recovery and I was giving her a bottle of juice.  She was a bit like a drunk girl the rest of the day but all in all, managed to cope well.

Now we wait.  The waiting game.  The results appointment is 8 AM on the 17th.  I think through it in my mind.  Good if only one or two doctors.  Bad if many doctors walk in room (a team).  Hubby says I worry too much.  Dolly is developing well. If it was a tumor, there would be obvious signs - wouldn't there? And now I wait and pray and hope. 

Still Here

I'm still here just overwhelmed with all the changes.  We moved into the new house last Saturday so it has officially been one week and three days. Lots of changes. I have both kids home now and it is a full-time mothering experience where I fall down at the end of the day.  The good news is that I am losing weight (probably from all this moving and chasing the kids). I'm down another 1.8 lbs at the scale last week after being stuck for about a month.  I love having a home that we can call our own but it is bleeding our savings dry.  As a result, I have to go back to work early, by about 6 weeks. I actually think I left Mister about the same time since I was on bed-rest before he came, used up some of the leave that way.  I am having mixed feelings about going back.  The nanny has started with us one day a week.  Yesterday I left them for the entire day (had a doctor's appointment about the thyroid and a best friend treated me to a pedicure).  I came home and found Mister napping and Dolly happily crawling around, the happiest I had seen her in a long time. I told the nanny that she has the 'magic touch'.  I know they will be good with her.  She was my best friend's nanny for 10 years so she comes from a reliable source.  I don't have much time to write these days but still browsing other blogs.  A friend of mine recently lost her baby when she was 7 months pregnant.  I am still grappling from this news.  I have been e-mailing her and sent a card.  Work sent a basket of things but I'm thinking of ordering her some casseroles or something from a nearby supper place. I feel at a loss for what to do but want to let her know that I'm here for her. 

Closing Day

Well, today is closing day.  We are official home-owners.  Hubby picked up the key from the lawyer today.  We are going to check it out this afternoon, after hubby gets off of work. Tomorrow we start on the wallpaper removal process and Saturday is actual moving day.

In the meantime, Sick Kids called today and I take Dolly for a pre-MRI work-up on Friday afternoon ... which also happens to be Mister's last day at daycare and there is a party in the afternoon.  I picked up Batman napkins and party blowers.  Hopefully I can make it in time.

My sister sent me a long e-mail complaining about the godparent decision that we made. In my opinion, it just reaffirms that I made the right choice.  I am now choosing not to respond.  I don't think that because you are blood relatives that you are defined as close or similar.  Sure, some friends do come and go but we choose our friends, not our family. 

Dolly

Isn't she adorable?

Godparents

So we are planning Dolly's christening. I'm receiving extraordinary pressure from my family to make my sister and her husband the godparents.  My sister and I  - well, we aren't very close.  We are seven years apart and we fought like cats and dogs as children.  I didn't make her Mister's godmother because I wanted my best friend to be his godmother. I wanted someone who would be involved in Mister's life. I also think my sister holds the position of aunt and by bringing in someone who is not necessarily blood family would extend the circle of loved ones. I have the same thoughts with Dolly's godparents.  I am planning to ask my good friend and neighbour who has been with us every step of the way.  She was the one who took Mister when my water broke early and we rushed to hospital.  Mister spent two nights with her family until grandma could arrive.  This friend was also the one who made me dinner countless times and left it on my porch when we were driving back and forth to hospital to see Dolly in NICU.  This friend, I think, is a major reason I didn't have post-partum this time around. She made me coffee, took Lilli for a couple of hours so I could get some sleep, spent time with us on a regular basis (she is a SAHM).  So we have been very lucky to have her in our lives.  My mother says that I don't need to 'reward' her for this. I don't think of it as a reward but an honour to have her be a part of my life and Dolly's life.  So what is my strategy for dealing with family stress? Avoidance.  My sister and her family are currently living in Germany. So with this in mind, I will plan the christening for October (a time when they aren't possibly going to make it) and ask the couple that I really want to be Dolly's godparents.  My mother will just have to deal with it.

MRI, MRI

I have been too busy.  Too busy to post.  So here is my short summary:

First and most important, we took Dolly to the second neurologist appointment at the Sick Kids hospital.  The second neurologist basically said - we can't ignore these findings .. we don't know if it is anything or not .. the ultrasound is a soft assessment and we cannot have any definitive answers without the MRI - specifically, we cannot rule out a mass (aka tumor) without the MRI.  So I said, sign us up!  Also please note that I'm holding my breathe the entire time.  It is a 3 month waiting period ... so now we wait. Although my pediatrician was very upset about the wait and since she is on staff at the hospital said she would expedite the process.  I asked about risks - apparently none other than the sedation process.  So now I wait and wait and wring my hands. I thought we were in the clear. I thought we had ruled it out. Now we are waiting again.  

When the health of my little one is in question, everything else seems so unimportant. Like the job. I was really looking forward to going back to work - and now the 3 month waiting period coincides with exactly the same amount of time I have left before I go back to work.  What if something is really wrong with Dolly? What will I do? I cannot lose her. Not now.  

As I said, not important - but the job interview was a bust. I totally screwed it up.  However, I don't think it was the right fit for me given the nature of the questions.  Another job opportunity has popped up. I've been offered a one year succondment in a management job when I go back - although not on paper yet, promising.  I did discuss my work-family priorities and that I needed to be home at times (esp. since I see how managers work long hours) - and they were very supportive of my needs.

We hired a nanny. I pulled Mister from daycare and then cried right after I told the daycare director. We love the daycare and I know he does too.  It will be a difficult transition for him - leaving his friends.  However, Dolly cannot go to daycare with her greater risk for respiratory problems. I do remember how sick Mister was (every week) and the doctor said we just cannot do that to Dolly. I agree.  So the nanny will start one day a week in the fall to give me a break and then full-time when I get back to work.  

Three weeks until we move. I'm not ready at all.  Doing lots of purging and making all the calls but haven't started packing yet.

As for WW, I haven't been tracking and I use food to cope.  I will go to the meeting this weekend but I'm not expecting miracles. I seem to be hovering around my 10% loss of 21 lbs.  I am stuck.  I guess it is better than up 21 lbs. 

Back in the Game

So I'm back from my long holiday in Algonquin Park. It rained a lot - so we spent much of the time indoors with the kids, which wasn't always easy. Nonetheless, it was nice to get away as a family and spend some time out of the city.  

While I was away, I got a call for a job interview. It is this Thursday. I'm terrified.  First, I still have baby mush brain. I feel like I can't hold an articulate conversation - sometimes I forget what I'm saying .. my memory is terrible lately.  I am at a total disadvantage in that I don't have any of my projects in front of me to review.  I'm spending the next few days trying to re-connect with my work.  I am finding myself talking out loud to myself, yes ... rehearsing my explanations.  I'm sure it will be fine.  The strange thing is that the interview is only an hour. Usually with government interviews there is a test beforehand and then a few hours of conversation ... so I'm a little worried that I only have 1 hour to impress the judges.  

Okay, second, I'm still fat. Yes, there I said it. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit. I don't have a thing to wear. I can't get my suits on ... well, the jackets don't close and my skirts don't zip up all the way. So I have two days to find something (stores closed today with the civic holiday).  I have lost almost 25 lbs with Weight Watchers and was feeling good about myself ... until I tried on those suits.  I did fall of the wagon a bit during holiday week (okay, a lot ... drank copious amounts of wine once the kids were asleep and ate brie, crackers, ice cream etc... didn't journal .. however, I only gained about a pound and 1/2 once I stepped on the scale at home ... and will work this week to get it off before Saturday's weigh in ... I figure we only vacation once a year, it was worth it).  Sorry for my rambling ... back to the issue at hand. I need to find something to wear but I don't want to spend too much as I'm hoping to lose more weight. 

Third. I look like a mom on mat leave. I haven't been taking care of myself.  This order of business means I'm scheduling an appointment for a colour and highlights, and an eyebrow wax and a pedi/mani. I am out to impress. I didn't colour my hair while pregnant (obvious) and I haven't been able to justify the expense with the babes. I have been using over the counter dye jobs.  So it's time to get some professional help here.  I need it!!

George: You are Amazing!!

I'm still dreaming of George. It was the best concert of my life. I could barely contain my excitement.  George ... you are my man!!

The Lawyer, the Banker, the Candlestick Maker ...

So we are home owners. It is official.  This is our seventh house we bid on (lucky number seven). I think we are still in shock. Six times it didn't work so why would it work this time? I love the house. It is perfect. Beautiful kitchen.  Three bedrooms. Two bathrooms. Detached. A yard.  Still, however, in shock.  It feels like I have been on the phone all day, every day trying to secure all the staff we need to get this house going ... the banker, the lawyer, the movers, the roofer (we need to put a new roof on), the insurer, etc.... It is never ending.  

In other news, I lost two pounds this week.  I can only attribute it to dancing my feet off at the George Michael concert at the ACC. I jumped, I screamed, I danced for two hours. I must have earned a lot of activity points to counteract my two razz-matinis that I downed before hand!   I love George!!! Best concert of my life, by far. And two pounds to boot.

Good News

I took Dolly to see the neurologist on Friday.  The doctor said that she didn't think Dolly had a tumor because she would be quite sick otherwise.  She said babies with tumors, you just know.  The doctor thinks it is just isolated nystagmus (meaning vision only not brain related).  We did an ultrasound through Dolly's soft spot to rule out some other conditions but so far everything seems okay (with the exception of the nystagmus).  I am see the world leader of this condition in November.  A big sigh of relief.   She could still have serious vision problems even blindness, but these are conditions that are manageable.  

And, my other news, yesterday we bought a house.  A lovely three-bedroom detached brick house in the Upper Beaches.  I'm in shock - happy and scared all at the same time.  My agent said it's kind of like deciding to have kids. There never is a perfect time when you're financially stable etc... you just have to jump in and do it.  And so here I go.  Ready, set, JUMP!

Friday is the day

Well, we heard back from the neurologist.  Friday is the day.  I'm relieved to have her appointment expedited.  Last I spoke with the receptionist the waiting period was two months unless the neurologist deemed it urgent.  In some ways I'm glad to be in quickly but in others I know that makes Dolly's case urgent.  I don't imagine we'll have the MRI on Friday but rather a consultation regarding the next steps.   Dolly seems to be in good spirits and you wouldn't guess that anything was wrong with the exception of her eye movements.  

I feel distracted. Yesterday I fell of the treadmill (and it really wasn't going fast or steep), just deep in thought and not paying attention to what I was doing.  I'm also eating like a mountain of food (yesterday alone I had two pieces of cake, rice pudding, brie and wine .... um, I think I will be up at the scale this week : 0 ). 

Today I'm off for minor surgery with a plastic surgeon.  I'm having three moles removed that the doctor and dermatologist refused to do since the roots were too deep.  So here I am at a plastic surgeon ... wondering if I could slip into conversation how much a tummy tuck would cost?? hee hee.  I would never do it but it's lovely to dream sometimes. 

Mommy Fat

Today I am reflecting on my weight loss journey.  Thinking that being a mom by necessity means gaining and losing weight (with the exception of those with fantastic genes that never gain weight during pregnancy other than the baby itself).  This time, I will lose the weight for good.  No more mommy fat for me!!

I had a great weekend.  Hubby let me have some 'free' time.  I went to the spa on Friday for a hot stone massage, facial and a Brazilian (thank goodness for the 'no scream cream').  Saturday we had a date night - saw the movie 'Wanted', which was action packed - and even splurged on some popcorn with real butter.  Flex points!  And Sunday we went for a nice long walk to High Park and hubby kept dolly strapped to him most the day in the bjorn to give me a break.  I'm also happy to report that Dolly is sleeping through the night now.  About five nights running.  I can't remember when I had such good sleeps. 

Goals for today: stop thinking about Dolly's eyes and the what-ifs .. still waiting to hear on the neurology appointment (hopefully by tomorrow we will have one), drink water, journal all my food intake.   

Ten Percent

Yep, I did it. I lost 10% of my total body weight .. that is 21 lbs in 16 weeks. Wowzers. It is amazing that I did it given all the stress of these past two weeks.  I guess something is going right. Thank you Weight Watchers.  

The Unexpected

I took Dolly to the eye specialist this week.  We were (and still are) scheduled for another specialist in November (long waiting period). However, my pediatrician was not happy about the long wait and found another pediatric opthamologist to have a look at Dolly's eyes.  The doctor said there is nothing wrong structurally with Dolly's eyes.  Rather, he thinks it is neurological and we are now waiting for an appointment with the Hospital for Sick Children so Dolly can have a Cat Scan/MRI.  He said he thinks it is a condition called "nystagmus", which is jerky eye movements.  Lots of children in his practice with this condition grow up to have normal vision and others very bad vision such that they cannot legally drive.  These seem like things I can handle.  When I asked him to write down for me the word "nystagmus" (because he kept saying it really fast and I knew I would forget it) he told me not to panic. If I went home and googled this word then I would see 'brain tumors'.  Big pause here.  I spent the whole way home on the subway crying -- strangers looking at me.  When I finally got home and saw my neighbour who asked me how it went, I was sobbing.  I can't imagine anything happening to my little one.  It never crossed my mind that she might have a brain tumor.  So now we wait.  I'm praying for the best of these situations. 

In the meantime, I have completely fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon.  I never drink my points and have been indulging in a few glasses of wine these past couple of days, and loading up on carbs (read bread and cheese).  I just can't seem to take care of myself and the babes.   

Summer Lovin', Had Me a Blast

I have to say that I am loving the warm weather and spending time with Dolly.  She is at the age when we can spend time together outside and play a lot more than I could with Mister (who was a spring baby ... he was too little and had to keep him covered up most of the time).  She is growing so fast, with such personality.  Yesterday we visited my parents' house and my mom produced a pink princess dress with a tutu.  She looked so cute in it!  I love dressing her up.  The trip to my parents' house was good - with the exception that there was way too much food and was way over my points allowance for the day.  Thank goodness for Flex Points!  Down 19.8 lbs so far and I think this week will be my 10% goal reached.  Trying to figure out what I will do to celebrate that!  Maybe a WW electronic scale? DH gave me some lovely baby jewelry from citrus silver this week (www.citrussilver.com) - onyx beads with the tang piece (all of our names engraved).  I love it.  For no reason he said, just for being a good mom.  : )  

Home is Where the Heart Is

Home is where the heart is ... this I keep telling myself is the truth.  We did not get the house. There were four bids.  We came in second. I don't know yet by how much but it is painful.  I look at the house every day that I go outside. It is just down the road.  My husband says it is just material things. Yes, true.  But  a house is where you build a home for your children .. I saw them sleeping in their beds and playing the back yard.  I'm a bit disheartened about the whole process. This is the third house we have lost but the one I wanted the most.  Chin up.

Store-brand Diapers = Leaks

Okay, so I caved and bought some store-brand diapers at a big-box store (not naming any names) that were on sale. I figured it out to be 20 cents a diaper.  I thought, maybe I'd give them a try?? I heard that a brand name diaper company made them (from other moms).  This was my first time (second kid) ever trying store-brand diapers. I guess you get what you pay for. Leak after leak.  These diapers have got to go.  I'm thinking of donating them to the food bank?? Not sure where else to send them. 

Update on the house: Today is bidding day. I'm so nervous!!  I put a bottle of champagne in the fridge to chill.  I'm hoping and praying that it works out.  I'm also hoping that my ohma is watching over me and will make things right. I trust her judgment. She sent me my daughter, DD - this I am sure of.  So I will know that what happens is meant to be today.  If not this house, then maybe the next.

I'm afraid to step on the scale this Saturday.  But I'll save that for another post.

Worry, worry

We are bidding on a house this week.  I cannot seem to stop worrying about it. Worry if we get it, worry if we don't get it.  Are we moving forward? Are we stretching ourselves to thin? We currently rent the house we live in and love it. We have grown attached to our neighbours, put roots down and soon Mister will be starting kindergarten and we'd like to keep him in the nearby school.  So a house came up for sale on our street this week.  A little out of our price range but manageable. So we will bid. I'm hoping that the stars align for us. It is a fixer-upper and needs a lot of work.  Only immediate thing would be the wiring and the rest would have to wait. 

In the meantime, I seem to be eating everything in the house!!  Let me say that Weight Watchers has been going fantastic. I am down nineteen pounds in 13 weeks.  Not too shabby! But my strategy for coping with stress tends to be eating.  So today I thought I would step up my workout routine and add some running. I did 15 minutes of running on the treadmill and another 25 of walking.  We'll see how this stress busting strategy works. 

Dolly is starting to get teeth.  She is growing so fast and looks so much like Mister that I can't believe it.  I am the luckiest woman alive to have these two little critters and my loving husband.  I count my blessings.

Into the Future

Dolly is 6-months-old.  I'm starting to worry about going back to work - now that I'm officially mid-way through my parental leave.  I don't really know what I want to do with my career. Meaning, I'm not really sure what I want to be when I grow up.  Before I had kids I would have described myself as a 'driven' woman.  I worked at school with all my gusto - I went all the way, earning the Ph.D. However, once that happened, I got pregnant with Mister about 3 months after walking across the stage to receive that Ph.D., which now hangs on my wall in the living room.  A shift in priorities occurred and I found that once Mister arrived that I was more concerned about work-family balance than bringing home the bigger pay cheque or getting the corner office.   I did a major job switch after having Mister (when I went back to work after the leave) to find a better job with more benefits in preparation for baby #2.  The thing is, I don't particularly love this job. So the thought about returning to it is not enticing.  Why am I bringing this up? Well, I had a bridal shower for one of my best friends on the weekend. I hired a Tarot Reader (a really well-known one in Toronto) to come do cards.  Her reading for me basically consisted of the following: I would quit my job, stay at home, be my own boss doing something along the lines of writing or teaching and take care of my kids myself.  The thought of leaving my job scares me to death.  I'm still absorbing this information. I guess I have 6 more months to think this through.  In the meantime, I ponder what the future will bring and what my goals or aspirations are now -- other than to be happy, to be a wonderful mom, wife, daughter, and friend.

Spring is Here!!

My little piglet (aka Dolly) turns 6-months-old this week.  I have been reflecting on all that has happened in the last 6 months.  She is growing into a little person.  It feels like she finally woke up this last month - becoming much more interactive - smiling, laughing and babbling at me.  There is still some concern that she might need glasses (I guess a common thing about preemies) - but I found out yesterday that the specialist waiting list is 8 months.  She could be in daycare by the time we see someone.  I started Dolly on solids recently and she seems to enjoy them - mouth wide open, waiting for her Oatmeal and Sweet Potatoes.  I just love her to bits.  I wish she would sleep more though ... she seems to be on a sleep strike. Her brother (Mister) is doing much better in the sleep department.  Seems to have adapted to having a little sister around and seems more secure with us lately.  The only battle with Mister is the one with him, us and the potty.  He just turned three and is one of three kids in his preschool room still in diapers.  I'm trying a new strategy based on a book called "Potty Train Your Child in One Day".  I'll have to post if it works or not!!  I've even ordered the Boy Corolle Potty Doll for $50 - but hey, if it works it is worth the investment from what I would save in pull-ups.  

And so where am I at 6-moths post-partum? I was looking at some of my posts and they seem a bit gloomy.  I finally started meds for my thyroid problem - it has been a long up-hill battle since 2005 with lots of needles and monitoring and decisively figuring out that I do have post-pregnancy thryoiditis as well as the auto-immune disease Hashimoto's.  The thyroid pill will help my slow thyroid (hypo- ... although earlier tests post-pregnancy revealed a fast thyroid ... guess that is how it goes with post-pregnancy thyoriditis - it cycles and they can only medicate the slow phase).  Nonetheless I should start feeling more energy, losing the baby weight and less depressed.  Yeah for the happy pill! Weight Watchers is working slowly - so far I have lost 12 lbs in 8 weeks.  Dolly is calling me ... until next time.

Imposter Syndrome

I remember hearing this term in one of my undergrad psychology courses.  For some reason, it really resonated with me.  If you google it, you will find that it is not an 'officially' recognized psychological disorder. However, individuals who suffer from IS have difficulty coming to terms with their accomplishments or success in any profession despite the evidence illustrating their competence.  When these individuals do well, they chalk it up to luck, tricking others into thinking they are competent or external events that took place at just the right time to make it so.  When things go wrong, of course, it is internalized as evidence of their incompetence.  This syndrome is particularly common among women and especially among those with successful careers.  I had a colleague who was making it her business to investigate this syndrome for her Masters thesis - with a focus on graduate students. I used to think this was true of myself in my educational career.  I remember even in grad school thinking that soon they would find out that they made a mistake.  My unintelligence would be revealed and I would be exposed as a fraud.  Somewhere along the way, this changed.  Maybe it just took time.  A total of 11 years of university and enough evidence accumulating to show that maybe I was okay, not an imposter in my field of study ....

Which brings me to the current topic, can you be an imposter mom?  There are days when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and when things go right with the kids then it must be the natural developmental pathway, luck or maybe my husband's actions.  Do you ever feel like soon everyone will know that you're not really a good mom.  A terrible mom in fact.  I know this probably sounds strange.  I love my children.  But I worry and worry about how I am as a mother.  Am doing a good job? Am I competent? Am I an imposter?

My most recent worry stems from the fact that I did not spend the first critical days, 24-hours a day with my daughter while she was in NICU.  I had to leave her every night.  They did not permit overnight stays for the parents and I had my son to take care of at night as well.  Basically, I spent maybe 8 hours a day with Dolly.  What kind of impact will this have on her - to not have her mother near her side? Her supposed primary attachment figure? What damage have I done?  I remember having somewhat similar concerns that I might have impacted my relationship with Mister.  He had a series of bladder infections when he was a little guy. One a month for the first three months of his life, each resulting in a hospital stay of 10 days each while on IV antibiotics.   I could not soothe him no matter how hard I tried.  I always wondered and still do, what that will do to him as a person .... his mother not being able to soothe his cries during his early days.  I think to myself, he is okay, right?  He seems to be a happy pre-schooler, thriving at school, quite smart and sociable - lots of friends and playdate requests.  I couldn't have done everything wrong.  This is my evidence, isn't it?  But some days, I still feel like a failure .... an imposter. 

I could keep going .... like my failure at breastfeeding. It did not work for both kids. I really tried.  I was so let down the second time.  I pumped my milk for both for 13 weeks.  This took real effort, especially for Dolly - trying to find time to pump with two kids who needed me. Was it enough? I guess I will never know.  

Some days I feel more like an imposter than others and wonder do others feel this way? Does imposter syndrome apply to the highly demanding and rewarding, yet unpaid, profession of motherhood? Will this feeling too pass with time. 

Winter Blahs

So, as  you can probably tell, I don't actually post here often.  I always tried to keep a diary and it never worked. Somehow I thought an e-journal might be more inspiring for me to keep track of the ups and downs of baby #2.  I guess I've never been much of a 'recorder'.  So what is new with me? Well, it's be a long winter, too long.  Since Dolly was born early and at risk for all kinds of things, I basically spent every single day cooped up inside with her. Not that I'm complaining too much - I love the one-on-one bonding time but I am wishing that spring would sprung.  I started finally getting out this week. I went to a moms group held by the Public Health office in my area. I kind of felt like a stranger in a new world.  Maybe it's all my days of isolation? There were about 14 moms with babies ranging from 4 weeks to 6 months.  I'm usually a chatty, social person but I pretty much stayed quiet the whole time and listened to them babble about sleeping books and where to buy the best nursing bra etc.... and I felt like I just didn't fit in.  I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I told my husband last night that I wouldn't be going back.  I don't think I will find friendships there ... I don't know why.  Maybe it is my thyroid. I continue to struggle with what they thought was post-pregnancy thryoiditis but the specialist last week wondered if it might be Graves Disease.  In any case, I had post-partum depression with my first child and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the case now ... although I kept tell myself that it was and is much better this time.  My family physician was copied on the results of my last blood test and she has called me in. I'm hoping she will provide me with some clarity and help me understand what is happening.   Maybe it is the winter blahs .... one thing I noticed yesterday was all the free time the moms kept talking about 'me time'.  I thought and actually said, 'am I the only one without me time'?  soooo I decided to join Weight Watchers and will go to my first meeting this Saturday. Maybe that will help pull me out of a slump, or maybe I will feel like a stranger among many again this Saturday.  Uh-oh, I think I have to journal my food.  I haven't proven to be very good at recording, have I??? 

Beads and Diamonds

My son really loves me.  Today my husband took him to daycare. When they arrived, Mister became involved in threading beads on a string.  The daycare teacher said to him: "You can make mommy a necklace".  And Mister said to the teacher: "Do you have any diamonds?". Too cute. 

My little piglet

Today I took Dolly to the doctor for a weigh-in and check-up.  She weighed 8 lbs, 4 ounces - up from her weight of 7 lbs two weeks ago and her birth weight of 5 lbs and 16 ounces. The pediatrician said she must be eating like a little piggy!  Well, she does like to eat a lot. So I got to ask all my questions including, how old is she really? Dolly was born 4 weeks early.  Technically she is 6 weeks old but her corrected age (based on her due date) is 2 weeks. So is she 6 weeks or 2 weeks old?  According to the doctor, Dolly is only 2 weeks old, like a newborn for everything developmentally including sleeping and eating.  However, for vaccinations, Dolly is 6 weeks old and will receive her first vaccines in 2 weeks.  Hmm.  All the books I have been re-reading (that I used with Mister) say that sleep routines don't really begin until 6 weeks .. that's why I was asking. So I guess I have another month of irregularity and non-sleeping. She does like to eat a lot! By the way, I asked about RSV season.  It lasts until March but December and January are the worst months.

My Initiation to the World of Premature Babies!

My second child ("Dolly") arrived one month early. I was taken by surprise at work when my water broke, a little.  I had a gush of water and wasn't quite sure what happened.  To be safe, I decided to call the hospital and they recommended I go in for monitoring.  So I went in my work clothes (that day a dress, kind of funny I never wore maternity dresses but the word was out that my co-workers were throwing me a 'surprise' shower that day and I wanted to dress up) - I also had removed my nylons after the 'leak' and a pair of Ugg boots.  I was not at all prepared for a hospital stay. I picked up my son ("Mister" at the daycare and DH drove me to the hospital.  I kind of said - bye, I'll see you later thinking that it would be nothing ... my reasoning was that in the first pregnancy when my water broke it was A LOT of water - gushes and gushes.  Well, as it turns out, my water was leaking. They did some kind of test to confirm it and an Ultrasound to check on the levels of AF and decided to admit me and go for the gold. I remember being worried and asking about lung development.  I knew that was what I should be worried about but the doctor reassured me that babies at 35 weeks were pretty far along in terms of lung development.  I called DH and he took our son to the neighbour's house, called grandma in for reinforcement and made his way to the hospital.  This started on Tuesday night.  Thursday at noon our little girl arrived.  She was beautiful. She was perfect - weighing in at 5 lbs, 16 ounces - just under 6 lbs.  I got to hold her, DH cut the cord, her APGAR scores were 8 and 9.  It was amazing.  

Within the first hour, Dolly started grunting.  The nurses were concerned and called in the RTs.  She was taken to NICU.  And so began our journey of 18 days in NICU at two hospitals with Dolly.  She was intubated due to Respiratory Distress, given CPAP, determined to have an infection (sepsis) so underwent a Spinal Tap and round of antibiotics, dealt with some jaundice so went under the Billi lights for a few days and received most of her feedings through a NG tube.  The hospital I was at didn't let me stay so I had to travel back and forth to see her during the day and then come home to my son at night. I cried every time I left her at the hospital, it broke my heart. I couldn't wait to bring her home to have her by me.  When she was moved to the Level II nursery, we primarily were working on trying to get Dolly. to wake up to feed.  Most of her feedings were NG - so I would merely hold her, skin to skin while the pumped breast milk was given to her through the NG.  I longed for her to feed from me.  By the time we were transferred to the second hospital (not closer to home as I hoped) we were still working on the breast feeding.  The nurses began giving her bottles of my breast milk and although I still try to put Dolly to the breast, I mostly pump my milk and give it to her in the bottle now. It was my ticket to taking her home, out of the hospital and I rationalized that she was still getting my milk.  See, Mister never took the breast.  What felt like hundreds of lactation consultant visits and every method possible, I finally gave up with him. I pumped for 13 weeks and then introduced formula.  Pumping is something that I'm familiar with - although I had high hopes and expectations the second time around.  But not she is home with me and that is all that matters.

So now my next issue about premature babies - RSV.  Infection nurses sat me down in hospital to talk about RSV - Respiratory Syncitial Virus. Infection with RSV is a major cause of lower respiratory tract disease in children. RSV may cause apnea and pneumonia in premature babies and other vulnerable groups, but appears as a simple cold in adults and older children. Premature babies are particularly at risk of severe RSV infection because their lungs are weak, their immune system is underdeveloped.  I was advised not to take Dolly to public places like malls or to large family gatherings.  My son in daycare is a huge risk factor so when he gets home from school I strip his clothes and change him into his 'after school outfit' and wash/sanitize his hands to try to reduce the risk of germs passing to Dolly.  When does this process stop? I am constantly worrying about her getting sick ... how long is cold season anyway?