Imposter Syndrome

I remember hearing this term in one of my undergrad psychology courses.  For some reason, it really resonated with me.  If you google it, you will find that it is not an 'officially' recognized psychological disorder. However, individuals who suffer from IS have difficulty coming to terms with their accomplishments or success in any profession despite the evidence illustrating their competence.  When these individuals do well, they chalk it up to luck, tricking others into thinking they are competent or external events that took place at just the right time to make it so.  When things go wrong, of course, it is internalized as evidence of their incompetence.  This syndrome is particularly common among women and especially among those with successful careers.  I had a colleague who was making it her business to investigate this syndrome for her Masters thesis - with a focus on graduate students. I used to think this was true of myself in my educational career.  I remember even in grad school thinking that soon they would find out that they made a mistake.  My unintelligence would be revealed and I would be exposed as a fraud.  Somewhere along the way, this changed.  Maybe it just took time.  A total of 11 years of university and enough evidence accumulating to show that maybe I was okay, not an imposter in my field of study ....

Which brings me to the current topic, can you be an imposter mom?  There are days when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and when things go right with the kids then it must be the natural developmental pathway, luck or maybe my husband's actions.  Do you ever feel like soon everyone will know that you're not really a good mom.  A terrible mom in fact.  I know this probably sounds strange.  I love my children.  But I worry and worry about how I am as a mother.  Am doing a good job? Am I competent? Am I an imposter?

My most recent worry stems from the fact that I did not spend the first critical days, 24-hours a day with my daughter while she was in NICU.  I had to leave her every night.  They did not permit overnight stays for the parents and I had my son to take care of at night as well.  Basically, I spent maybe 8 hours a day with Dolly.  What kind of impact will this have on her - to not have her mother near her side? Her supposed primary attachment figure? What damage have I done?  I remember having somewhat similar concerns that I might have impacted my relationship with Mister.  He had a series of bladder infections when he was a little guy. One a month for the first three months of his life, each resulting in a hospital stay of 10 days each while on IV antibiotics.   I could not soothe him no matter how hard I tried.  I always wondered and still do, what that will do to him as a person .... his mother not being able to soothe his cries during his early days.  I think to myself, he is okay, right?  He seems to be a happy pre-schooler, thriving at school, quite smart and sociable - lots of friends and playdate requests.  I couldn't have done everything wrong.  This is my evidence, isn't it?  But some days, I still feel like a failure .... an imposter. 

I could keep going .... like my failure at breastfeeding. It did not work for both kids. I really tried.  I was so let down the second time.  I pumped my milk for both for 13 weeks.  This took real effort, especially for Dolly - trying to find time to pump with two kids who needed me. Was it enough? I guess I will never know.  

Some days I feel more like an imposter than others and wonder do others feel this way? Does imposter syndrome apply to the highly demanding and rewarding, yet unpaid, profession of motherhood? Will this feeling too pass with time. 

Winter Blahs

So, as  you can probably tell, I don't actually post here often.  I always tried to keep a diary and it never worked. Somehow I thought an e-journal might be more inspiring for me to keep track of the ups and downs of baby #2.  I guess I've never been much of a 'recorder'.  So what is new with me? Well, it's be a long winter, too long.  Since Dolly was born early and at risk for all kinds of things, I basically spent every single day cooped up inside with her. Not that I'm complaining too much - I love the one-on-one bonding time but I am wishing that spring would sprung.  I started finally getting out this week. I went to a moms group held by the Public Health office in my area. I kind of felt like a stranger in a new world.  Maybe it's all my days of isolation? There were about 14 moms with babies ranging from 4 weeks to 6 months.  I'm usually a chatty, social person but I pretty much stayed quiet the whole time and listened to them babble about sleeping books and where to buy the best nursing bra etc.... and I felt like I just didn't fit in.  I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I told my husband last night that I wouldn't be going back.  I don't think I will find friendships there ... I don't know why.  Maybe it is my thyroid. I continue to struggle with what they thought was post-pregnancy thryoiditis but the specialist last week wondered if it might be Graves Disease.  In any case, I had post-partum depression with my first child and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the case now ... although I kept tell myself that it was and is much better this time.  My family physician was copied on the results of my last blood test and she has called me in. I'm hoping she will provide me with some clarity and help me understand what is happening.   Maybe it is the winter blahs .... one thing I noticed yesterday was all the free time the moms kept talking about 'me time'.  I thought and actually said, 'am I the only one without me time'?  soooo I decided to join Weight Watchers and will go to my first meeting this Saturday. Maybe that will help pull me out of a slump, or maybe I will feel like a stranger among many again this Saturday.  Uh-oh, I think I have to journal my food.  I haven't proven to be very good at recording, have I???