Into the Future

Dolly is 6-months-old.  I'm starting to worry about going back to work - now that I'm officially mid-way through my parental leave.  I don't really know what I want to do with my career. Meaning, I'm not really sure what I want to be when I grow up.  Before I had kids I would have described myself as a 'driven' woman.  I worked at school with all my gusto - I went all the way, earning the Ph.D. However, once that happened, I got pregnant with Mister about 3 months after walking across the stage to receive that Ph.D., which now hangs on my wall in the living room.  A shift in priorities occurred and I found that once Mister arrived that I was more concerned about work-family balance than bringing home the bigger pay cheque or getting the corner office.   I did a major job switch after having Mister (when I went back to work after the leave) to find a better job with more benefits in preparation for baby #2.  The thing is, I don't particularly love this job. So the thought about returning to it is not enticing.  Why am I bringing this up? Well, I had a bridal shower for one of my best friends on the weekend. I hired a Tarot Reader (a really well-known one in Toronto) to come do cards.  Her reading for me basically consisted of the following: I would quit my job, stay at home, be my own boss doing something along the lines of writing or teaching and take care of my kids myself.  The thought of leaving my job scares me to death.  I'm still absorbing this information. I guess I have 6 more months to think this through.  In the meantime, I ponder what the future will bring and what my goals or aspirations are now -- other than to be happy, to be a wonderful mom, wife, daughter, and friend.

Spring is Here!!

My little piglet (aka Dolly) turns 6-months-old this week.  I have been reflecting on all that has happened in the last 6 months.  She is growing into a little person.  It feels like she finally woke up this last month - becoming much more interactive - smiling, laughing and babbling at me.  There is still some concern that she might need glasses (I guess a common thing about preemies) - but I found out yesterday that the specialist waiting list is 8 months.  She could be in daycare by the time we see someone.  I started Dolly on solids recently and she seems to enjoy them - mouth wide open, waiting for her Oatmeal and Sweet Potatoes.  I just love her to bits.  I wish she would sleep more though ... she seems to be on a sleep strike. Her brother (Mister) is doing much better in the sleep department.  Seems to have adapted to having a little sister around and seems more secure with us lately.  The only battle with Mister is the one with him, us and the potty.  He just turned three and is one of three kids in his preschool room still in diapers.  I'm trying a new strategy based on a book called "Potty Train Your Child in One Day".  I'll have to post if it works or not!!  I've even ordered the Boy Corolle Potty Doll for $50 - but hey, if it works it is worth the investment from what I would save in pull-ups.  

And so where am I at 6-moths post-partum? I was looking at some of my posts and they seem a bit gloomy.  I finally started meds for my thyroid problem - it has been a long up-hill battle since 2005 with lots of needles and monitoring and decisively figuring out that I do have post-pregnancy thryoiditis as well as the auto-immune disease Hashimoto's.  The thyroid pill will help my slow thyroid (hypo- ... although earlier tests post-pregnancy revealed a fast thyroid ... guess that is how it goes with post-pregnancy thyoriditis - it cycles and they can only medicate the slow phase).  Nonetheless I should start feeling more energy, losing the baby weight and less depressed.  Yeah for the happy pill! Weight Watchers is working slowly - so far I have lost 12 lbs in 8 weeks.  Dolly is calling me ... until next time.

Imposter Syndrome

I remember hearing this term in one of my undergrad psychology courses.  For some reason, it really resonated with me.  If you google it, you will find that it is not an 'officially' recognized psychological disorder. However, individuals who suffer from IS have difficulty coming to terms with their accomplishments or success in any profession despite the evidence illustrating their competence.  When these individuals do well, they chalk it up to luck, tricking others into thinking they are competent or external events that took place at just the right time to make it so.  When things go wrong, of course, it is internalized as evidence of their incompetence.  This syndrome is particularly common among women and especially among those with successful careers.  I had a colleague who was making it her business to investigate this syndrome for her Masters thesis - with a focus on graduate students. I used to think this was true of myself in my educational career.  I remember even in grad school thinking that soon they would find out that they made a mistake.  My unintelligence would be revealed and I would be exposed as a fraud.  Somewhere along the way, this changed.  Maybe it just took time.  A total of 11 years of university and enough evidence accumulating to show that maybe I was okay, not an imposter in my field of study ....

Which brings me to the current topic, can you be an imposter mom?  There are days when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and when things go right with the kids then it must be the natural developmental pathway, luck or maybe my husband's actions.  Do you ever feel like soon everyone will know that you're not really a good mom.  A terrible mom in fact.  I know this probably sounds strange.  I love my children.  But I worry and worry about how I am as a mother.  Am doing a good job? Am I competent? Am I an imposter?

My most recent worry stems from the fact that I did not spend the first critical days, 24-hours a day with my daughter while she was in NICU.  I had to leave her every night.  They did not permit overnight stays for the parents and I had my son to take care of at night as well.  Basically, I spent maybe 8 hours a day with Dolly.  What kind of impact will this have on her - to not have her mother near her side? Her supposed primary attachment figure? What damage have I done?  I remember having somewhat similar concerns that I might have impacted my relationship with Mister.  He had a series of bladder infections when he was a little guy. One a month for the first three months of his life, each resulting in a hospital stay of 10 days each while on IV antibiotics.   I could not soothe him no matter how hard I tried.  I always wondered and still do, what that will do to him as a person .... his mother not being able to soothe his cries during his early days.  I think to myself, he is okay, right?  He seems to be a happy pre-schooler, thriving at school, quite smart and sociable - lots of friends and playdate requests.  I couldn't have done everything wrong.  This is my evidence, isn't it?  But some days, I still feel like a failure .... an imposter. 

I could keep going .... like my failure at breastfeeding. It did not work for both kids. I really tried.  I was so let down the second time.  I pumped my milk for both for 13 weeks.  This took real effort, especially for Dolly - trying to find time to pump with two kids who needed me. Was it enough? I guess I will never know.  

Some days I feel more like an imposter than others and wonder do others feel this way? Does imposter syndrome apply to the highly demanding and rewarding, yet unpaid, profession of motherhood? Will this feeling too pass with time. 

Winter Blahs

So, as  you can probably tell, I don't actually post here often.  I always tried to keep a diary and it never worked. Somehow I thought an e-journal might be more inspiring for me to keep track of the ups and downs of baby #2.  I guess I've never been much of a 'recorder'.  So what is new with me? Well, it's be a long winter, too long.  Since Dolly was born early and at risk for all kinds of things, I basically spent every single day cooped up inside with her. Not that I'm complaining too much - I love the one-on-one bonding time but I am wishing that spring would sprung.  I started finally getting out this week. I went to a moms group held by the Public Health office in my area. I kind of felt like a stranger in a new world.  Maybe it's all my days of isolation? There were about 14 moms with babies ranging from 4 weeks to 6 months.  I'm usually a chatty, social person but I pretty much stayed quiet the whole time and listened to them babble about sleeping books and where to buy the best nursing bra etc.... and I felt like I just didn't fit in.  I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I told my husband last night that I wouldn't be going back.  I don't think I will find friendships there ... I don't know why.  Maybe it is my thyroid. I continue to struggle with what they thought was post-pregnancy thryoiditis but the specialist last week wondered if it might be Graves Disease.  In any case, I had post-partum depression with my first child and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the case now ... although I kept tell myself that it was and is much better this time.  My family physician was copied on the results of my last blood test and she has called me in. I'm hoping she will provide me with some clarity and help me understand what is happening.   Maybe it is the winter blahs .... one thing I noticed yesterday was all the free time the moms kept talking about 'me time'.  I thought and actually said, 'am I the only one without me time'?  soooo I decided to join Weight Watchers and will go to my first meeting this Saturday. Maybe that will help pull me out of a slump, or maybe I will feel like a stranger among many again this Saturday.  Uh-oh, I think I have to journal my food.  I haven't proven to be very good at recording, have I??? 

Beads and Diamonds

My son really loves me.  Today my husband took him to daycare. When they arrived, Mister became involved in threading beads on a string.  The daycare teacher said to him: "You can make mommy a necklace".  And Mister said to the teacher: "Do you have any diamonds?". Too cute. 

My little piglet

Today I took Dolly to the doctor for a weigh-in and check-up.  She weighed 8 lbs, 4 ounces - up from her weight of 7 lbs two weeks ago and her birth weight of 5 lbs and 16 ounces. The pediatrician said she must be eating like a little piggy!  Well, she does like to eat a lot. So I got to ask all my questions including, how old is she really? Dolly was born 4 weeks early.  Technically she is 6 weeks old but her corrected age (based on her due date) is 2 weeks. So is she 6 weeks or 2 weeks old?  According to the doctor, Dolly is only 2 weeks old, like a newborn for everything developmentally including sleeping and eating.  However, for vaccinations, Dolly is 6 weeks old and will receive her first vaccines in 2 weeks.  Hmm.  All the books I have been re-reading (that I used with Mister) say that sleep routines don't really begin until 6 weeks .. that's why I was asking. So I guess I have another month of irregularity and non-sleeping. She does like to eat a lot! By the way, I asked about RSV season.  It lasts until March but December and January are the worst months.

My Initiation to the World of Premature Babies!

My second child ("Dolly") arrived one month early. I was taken by surprise at work when my water broke, a little.  I had a gush of water and wasn't quite sure what happened.  To be safe, I decided to call the hospital and they recommended I go in for monitoring.  So I went in my work clothes (that day a dress, kind of funny I never wore maternity dresses but the word was out that my co-workers were throwing me a 'surprise' shower that day and I wanted to dress up) - I also had removed my nylons after the 'leak' and a pair of Ugg boots.  I was not at all prepared for a hospital stay. I picked up my son ("Mister" at the daycare and DH drove me to the hospital.  I kind of said - bye, I'll see you later thinking that it would be nothing ... my reasoning was that in the first pregnancy when my water broke it was A LOT of water - gushes and gushes.  Well, as it turns out, my water was leaking. They did some kind of test to confirm it and an Ultrasound to check on the levels of AF and decided to admit me and go for the gold. I remember being worried and asking about lung development.  I knew that was what I should be worried about but the doctor reassured me that babies at 35 weeks were pretty far along in terms of lung development.  I called DH and he took our son to the neighbour's house, called grandma in for reinforcement and made his way to the hospital.  This started on Tuesday night.  Thursday at noon our little girl arrived.  She was beautiful. She was perfect - weighing in at 5 lbs, 16 ounces - just under 6 lbs.  I got to hold her, DH cut the cord, her APGAR scores were 8 and 9.  It was amazing.  

Within the first hour, Dolly started grunting.  The nurses were concerned and called in the RTs.  She was taken to NICU.  And so began our journey of 18 days in NICU at two hospitals with Dolly.  She was intubated due to Respiratory Distress, given CPAP, determined to have an infection (sepsis) so underwent a Spinal Tap and round of antibiotics, dealt with some jaundice so went under the Billi lights for a few days and received most of her feedings through a NG tube.  The hospital I was at didn't let me stay so I had to travel back and forth to see her during the day and then come home to my son at night. I cried every time I left her at the hospital, it broke my heart. I couldn't wait to bring her home to have her by me.  When she was moved to the Level II nursery, we primarily were working on trying to get Dolly. to wake up to feed.  Most of her feedings were NG - so I would merely hold her, skin to skin while the pumped breast milk was given to her through the NG.  I longed for her to feed from me.  By the time we were transferred to the second hospital (not closer to home as I hoped) we were still working on the breast feeding.  The nurses began giving her bottles of my breast milk and although I still try to put Dolly to the breast, I mostly pump my milk and give it to her in the bottle now. It was my ticket to taking her home, out of the hospital and I rationalized that she was still getting my milk.  See, Mister never took the breast.  What felt like hundreds of lactation consultant visits and every method possible, I finally gave up with him. I pumped for 13 weeks and then introduced formula.  Pumping is something that I'm familiar with - although I had high hopes and expectations the second time around.  But not she is home with me and that is all that matters.

So now my next issue about premature babies - RSV.  Infection nurses sat me down in hospital to talk about RSV - Respiratory Syncitial Virus. Infection with RSV is a major cause of lower respiratory tract disease in children. RSV may cause apnea and pneumonia in premature babies and other vulnerable groups, but appears as a simple cold in adults and older children. Premature babies are particularly at risk of severe RSV infection because their lungs are weak, their immune system is underdeveloped.  I was advised not to take Dolly to public places like malls or to large family gatherings.  My son in daycare is a huge risk factor so when he gets home from school I strip his clothes and change him into his 'after school outfit' and wash/sanitize his hands to try to reduce the risk of germs passing to Dolly.  When does this process stop? I am constantly worrying about her getting sick ... how long is cold season anyway?