Home is Where the Heart Is

Home is where the heart is ... this I keep telling myself is the truth.  We did not get the house. There were four bids.  We came in second. I don't know yet by how much but it is painful.  I look at the house every day that I go outside. It is just down the road.  My husband says it is just material things. Yes, true.  But  a house is where you build a home for your children .. I saw them sleeping in their beds and playing the back yard.  I'm a bit disheartened about the whole process. This is the third house we have lost but the one I wanted the most.  Chin up.

Store-brand Diapers = Leaks

Okay, so I caved and bought some store-brand diapers at a big-box store (not naming any names) that were on sale. I figured it out to be 20 cents a diaper.  I thought, maybe I'd give them a try?? I heard that a brand name diaper company made them (from other moms).  This was my first time (second kid) ever trying store-brand diapers. I guess you get what you pay for. Leak after leak.  These diapers have got to go.  I'm thinking of donating them to the food bank?? Not sure where else to send them. 

Update on the house: Today is bidding day. I'm so nervous!!  I put a bottle of champagne in the fridge to chill.  I'm hoping and praying that it works out.  I'm also hoping that my ohma is watching over me and will make things right. I trust her judgment. She sent me my daughter, DD - this I am sure of.  So I will know that what happens is meant to be today.  If not this house, then maybe the next.

I'm afraid to step on the scale this Saturday.  But I'll save that for another post.

Worry, worry

We are bidding on a house this week.  I cannot seem to stop worrying about it. Worry if we get it, worry if we don't get it.  Are we moving forward? Are we stretching ourselves to thin? We currently rent the house we live in and love it. We have grown attached to our neighbours, put roots down and soon Mister will be starting kindergarten and we'd like to keep him in the nearby school.  So a house came up for sale on our street this week.  A little out of our price range but manageable. So we will bid. I'm hoping that the stars align for us. It is a fixer-upper and needs a lot of work.  Only immediate thing would be the wiring and the rest would have to wait. 

In the meantime, I seem to be eating everything in the house!!  Let me say that Weight Watchers has been going fantastic. I am down nineteen pounds in 13 weeks.  Not too shabby! But my strategy for coping with stress tends to be eating.  So today I thought I would step up my workout routine and add some running. I did 15 minutes of running on the treadmill and another 25 of walking.  We'll see how this stress busting strategy works. 

Dolly is starting to get teeth.  She is growing so fast and looks so much like Mister that I can't believe it.  I am the luckiest woman alive to have these two little critters and my loving husband.  I count my blessings.

Into the Future

Dolly is 6-months-old.  I'm starting to worry about going back to work - now that I'm officially mid-way through my parental leave.  I don't really know what I want to do with my career. Meaning, I'm not really sure what I want to be when I grow up.  Before I had kids I would have described myself as a 'driven' woman.  I worked at school with all my gusto - I went all the way, earning the Ph.D. However, once that happened, I got pregnant with Mister about 3 months after walking across the stage to receive that Ph.D., which now hangs on my wall in the living room.  A shift in priorities occurred and I found that once Mister arrived that I was more concerned about work-family balance than bringing home the bigger pay cheque or getting the corner office.   I did a major job switch after having Mister (when I went back to work after the leave) to find a better job with more benefits in preparation for baby #2.  The thing is, I don't particularly love this job. So the thought about returning to it is not enticing.  Why am I bringing this up? Well, I had a bridal shower for one of my best friends on the weekend. I hired a Tarot Reader (a really well-known one in Toronto) to come do cards.  Her reading for me basically consisted of the following: I would quit my job, stay at home, be my own boss doing something along the lines of writing or teaching and take care of my kids myself.  The thought of leaving my job scares me to death.  I'm still absorbing this information. I guess I have 6 more months to think this through.  In the meantime, I ponder what the future will bring and what my goals or aspirations are now -- other than to be happy, to be a wonderful mom, wife, daughter, and friend.

Spring is Here!!

My little piglet (aka Dolly) turns 6-months-old this week.  I have been reflecting on all that has happened in the last 6 months.  She is growing into a little person.  It feels like she finally woke up this last month - becoming much more interactive - smiling, laughing and babbling at me.  There is still some concern that she might need glasses (I guess a common thing about preemies) - but I found out yesterday that the specialist waiting list is 8 months.  She could be in daycare by the time we see someone.  I started Dolly on solids recently and she seems to enjoy them - mouth wide open, waiting for her Oatmeal and Sweet Potatoes.  I just love her to bits.  I wish she would sleep more though ... she seems to be on a sleep strike. Her brother (Mister) is doing much better in the sleep department.  Seems to have adapted to having a little sister around and seems more secure with us lately.  The only battle with Mister is the one with him, us and the potty.  He just turned three and is one of three kids in his preschool room still in diapers.  I'm trying a new strategy based on a book called "Potty Train Your Child in One Day".  I'll have to post if it works or not!!  I've even ordered the Boy Corolle Potty Doll for $50 - but hey, if it works it is worth the investment from what I would save in pull-ups.  

And so where am I at 6-moths post-partum? I was looking at some of my posts and they seem a bit gloomy.  I finally started meds for my thyroid problem - it has been a long up-hill battle since 2005 with lots of needles and monitoring and decisively figuring out that I do have post-pregnancy thryoiditis as well as the auto-immune disease Hashimoto's.  The thyroid pill will help my slow thyroid (hypo- ... although earlier tests post-pregnancy revealed a fast thyroid ... guess that is how it goes with post-pregnancy thyoriditis - it cycles and they can only medicate the slow phase).  Nonetheless I should start feeling more energy, losing the baby weight and less depressed.  Yeah for the happy pill! Weight Watchers is working slowly - so far I have lost 12 lbs in 8 weeks.  Dolly is calling me ... until next time.

Imposter Syndrome

I remember hearing this term in one of my undergrad psychology courses.  For some reason, it really resonated with me.  If you google it, you will find that it is not an 'officially' recognized psychological disorder. However, individuals who suffer from IS have difficulty coming to terms with their accomplishments or success in any profession despite the evidence illustrating their competence.  When these individuals do well, they chalk it up to luck, tricking others into thinking they are competent or external events that took place at just the right time to make it so.  When things go wrong, of course, it is internalized as evidence of their incompetence.  This syndrome is particularly common among women and especially among those with successful careers.  I had a colleague who was making it her business to investigate this syndrome for her Masters thesis - with a focus on graduate students. I used to think this was true of myself in my educational career.  I remember even in grad school thinking that soon they would find out that they made a mistake.  My unintelligence would be revealed and I would be exposed as a fraud.  Somewhere along the way, this changed.  Maybe it just took time.  A total of 11 years of university and enough evidence accumulating to show that maybe I was okay, not an imposter in my field of study ....

Which brings me to the current topic, can you be an imposter mom?  There are days when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and when things go right with the kids then it must be the natural developmental pathway, luck or maybe my husband's actions.  Do you ever feel like soon everyone will know that you're not really a good mom.  A terrible mom in fact.  I know this probably sounds strange.  I love my children.  But I worry and worry about how I am as a mother.  Am doing a good job? Am I competent? Am I an imposter?

My most recent worry stems from the fact that I did not spend the first critical days, 24-hours a day with my daughter while she was in NICU.  I had to leave her every night.  They did not permit overnight stays for the parents and I had my son to take care of at night as well.  Basically, I spent maybe 8 hours a day with Dolly.  What kind of impact will this have on her - to not have her mother near her side? Her supposed primary attachment figure? What damage have I done?  I remember having somewhat similar concerns that I might have impacted my relationship with Mister.  He had a series of bladder infections when he was a little guy. One a month for the first three months of his life, each resulting in a hospital stay of 10 days each while on IV antibiotics.   I could not soothe him no matter how hard I tried.  I always wondered and still do, what that will do to him as a person .... his mother not being able to soothe his cries during his early days.  I think to myself, he is okay, right?  He seems to be a happy pre-schooler, thriving at school, quite smart and sociable - lots of friends and playdate requests.  I couldn't have done everything wrong.  This is my evidence, isn't it?  But some days, I still feel like a failure .... an imposter. 

I could keep going .... like my failure at breastfeeding. It did not work for both kids. I really tried.  I was so let down the second time.  I pumped my milk for both for 13 weeks.  This took real effort, especially for Dolly - trying to find time to pump with two kids who needed me. Was it enough? I guess I will never know.  

Some days I feel more like an imposter than others and wonder do others feel this way? Does imposter syndrome apply to the highly demanding and rewarding, yet unpaid, profession of motherhood? Will this feeling too pass with time. 

Winter Blahs

So, as  you can probably tell, I don't actually post here often.  I always tried to keep a diary and it never worked. Somehow I thought an e-journal might be more inspiring for me to keep track of the ups and downs of baby #2.  I guess I've never been much of a 'recorder'.  So what is new with me? Well, it's be a long winter, too long.  Since Dolly was born early and at risk for all kinds of things, I basically spent every single day cooped up inside with her. Not that I'm complaining too much - I love the one-on-one bonding time but I am wishing that spring would sprung.  I started finally getting out this week. I went to a moms group held by the Public Health office in my area. I kind of felt like a stranger in a new world.  Maybe it's all my days of isolation? There were about 14 moms with babies ranging from 4 weeks to 6 months.  I'm usually a chatty, social person but I pretty much stayed quiet the whole time and listened to them babble about sleeping books and where to buy the best nursing bra etc.... and I felt like I just didn't fit in.  I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I told my husband last night that I wouldn't be going back.  I don't think I will find friendships there ... I don't know why.  Maybe it is my thyroid. I continue to struggle with what they thought was post-pregnancy thryoiditis but the specialist last week wondered if it might be Graves Disease.  In any case, I had post-partum depression with my first child and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the case now ... although I kept tell myself that it was and is much better this time.  My family physician was copied on the results of my last blood test and she has called me in. I'm hoping she will provide me with some clarity and help me understand what is happening.   Maybe it is the winter blahs .... one thing I noticed yesterday was all the free time the moms kept talking about 'me time'.  I thought and actually said, 'am I the only one without me time'?  soooo I decided to join Weight Watchers and will go to my first meeting this Saturday. Maybe that will help pull me out of a slump, or maybe I will feel like a stranger among many again this Saturday.  Uh-oh, I think I have to journal my food.  I haven't proven to be very good at recording, have I???